Step, Yes. Step, No. ++h

 Sigh.

So, what's next? I mean, last time we exchanged text messages, slept past six o'clock in the morning because of overnight calls, and I heard that you’ve “missed me”, etc. Now, It’s weird. Yes, I’ve got no hope of having you back again. Yes, I know very well that I have no rights to expect anything from you. No, I’m not hoping for your love back. But yes, I still love you and yes, it still hurts. Yes, you are not obliged of texting me back again blah blah blah but it insults my veins to know that you “can” text or whatsoever; but its  just that for whatever reason, you won’t. No, I thought those offers that I’m giving you are just ones that you may call “Effort” due to our long distance uh, ‘kay, friendship. Yes, I hate to stay up late and wait for your text that never comes. Yes, I hate every second of it -every tick of the clock, every breath that I take.

I love you.

But it doesn’t mean I can get over you after you piss me off. Yes, I get pissed off but no, it’s not helping. You already pissed me off for years -years that you seem unapproachable. Yes, I’ve known you for years, like I used to say to my friends. Well I hope I’m not wrong. And that, the one that I’ve known for years, is the one I bare this strong feeling. Yes, sad to say, I’m addicted to you. Like I think of you every time especially lunch times and midnights.

I can’t read your mind.

Yes, you seem predictable for lowly things. But no, if it’s about your mind and your next acts, you’re ocean deep. Yes, some of my friends are getting on my nerves saying I must not commit myself for a long-distanced relationship. Yes, some said you are just turning me into circles. Yes, some said I’m just a hopeless shit fantasizing a “Stephanie” that would never be on my reach. Yes, it hurts but no, I cannot give up.

A lot, I love you.

I mean, when is the last time I ever said those words to you? I can’t love you but I’m feeling it. Yes, you know I’ve tried the best ways of moving on but no, none of ‘em worked. Whenever I think of us, yes, I tear and in the irony, it was like a joke for me.  I tear with a smile and sometimes a little chuckle. Yes, I used to do that and lose to myself after debating the chances and odds.  I would smile whilst and say to myself “Oh f***. This is how much I love her” with my wet face.

It was so sad to be me.

It was so sad to love you.

But the happiness I feel for it is worthless, immeasurable, infinite, and unmatched. Cheer up, oh Joshua. You’re still getting what you deserved you punk! Oh well, without this, how could I comfort myself? -besides beer, which you favorably asked me to stop.

No, this is not a complaint. Uh, it is my own way of tackling this shitty mood. After all, I’m still yours :( and you may just grab me any time you want.

Bottom-line : HYFR, I love you still… and I’m missing you already

##log: July 10, 2012; 3:17 AM

Red but blue candles (June 23, 2009)

## log (July 9, 2012) : I was glad to hear that she, happened to read this.  :(


Several ladies I've tried to be with
Knowing that replacement might help to forget
but nobody did. now I'm alone with nothing to rely
Nights are sleepless every time I cry
Honestly, my last wish is to be You and I


Torturing inside as I feel the hatred
Knowing that the simplest thing is if I waited
do you have any Idea on how to deal
on this feeling that spills
the words "I love you still"?


Erasing the memoirs wasn't that easy
Burying the happiest hours you gave me
now it's hard for me to push through
while thinking of you is all I knew
listening to your voice that ensures me you love me too


Pictures are fading though they're inside the frame
teasing me that it will never be the same
for now your trust is so hard to achieve
I couldn't even make you believe
what more if I wish for you to forgiv?


Helplessly devoted, I'm hopelessly drowned
Of liquors, tears, and regrets until now
But I can't just forget everything after all
patience from now on was my newly made principle
hoping for something I knew impossible


Plagues surround me as I see happy lovers
It wasn't cool to witness that they cater each other
I'm still not over on this deep cold amity
Sad to say for me, this was another empty anniversary
of the very first time I saw personally, an Angel landed on Star City
(May 26, 2009)

Efforts won't be useless though it's not appreciated
For someday, I know. They all do worth it
The days and nights of winter while I'm blue
Mysterious riddle as you don't give any clue
I will be waiting if it's the last thing I can do


Addicting are the past which I can't get rid to reminisce
gazing at those pictures, the hard copies of past's evidence
I always come up with these conclusions.. this two:
Lucky you who found someone new
unlucky me who can't get over you


Running tears won't bring you back
alcohols might make my lifespan subtract
still its better than to just
to force myself to adjust
while I only think of how it was


Lies didn't change you, but being a victim
and I was the culprit of this act of deceiving
Yes am willing to face any kind of your wrath
yesterday was immaturity and these gray years were the aftermath
well I must say I'm sorry, but uh.. I will wait no matter what


Loads of time is all I have to offer you
though you don't even care, I'm always ready if you asked to
last chance, though unreasonable, please at least let me try
let's begin all over again, let the dark memories die
Now if I did fail you again, I promise, I won't even hit an alibi


"I know I love you before I met you"
This song turns my head down, like the singer was on my shoe
now I'm looking up the sky, maybe accidently you'll give a call
that we are looking at the same star, though the probability was very small
happy birthday to myself. light the candles and i will blow it all


Minutes you spent on reading this poem of mine
afterward you'll get back to the one who deserved your time
but thanks for appreciation though it's against your will
I know it won't matter but this last is for real
surely it's nonsense, but, uhh.. I love you still.

Uhmmm. I made this one every night insomnia attacks -each stanza, line, whatever. It was paused for a few weeks, and accomplished today #June 23 2009, 12:50AM.

Til my next post.
Chill out!